The Oncology Ward & The Power of One. Tee-riffic Indeed.

Written on 9/15/11 6:10 pm.

There is something that happens, sitting here in this hospital. Sure there are joyous moments perhaps in obstetrics where new life greets us providing the sigh of relief after pained moments of labor paves the way. But here, here, there are whispers. Silence. The whizzing of the machine gently coaxing medicine into an IV. I feel anxiety in my throat. Borderline nauseous. The weight has settled in my chest.

My Mom is here. I posted news of her cancer, and since she has begun her battle. Just a couple weeks ago she was vibrant. Now she sleeps. She sounds weak, looks tired, and I know she's scared. Her aggressive chemotherapy treatments have quickly taken their toll and due to complications she is here. I type this at her bedside while I wait for her to wake up. The craziest thing is there's nothing I could do really but then there's everything I could do. Convinced one person really does make a difference I bring flowers and positive affirmations.

She likes to laugh. So I will do my best to bring the cheer and remind her who she is when it's hard to remember. I even wore my Sade shirt and sure enough she noticed it right away... :)

At last she woke up. These moments spent talking, listening, have made it all worth it. It is nice to hear her voice and let her tell me what is on her mind. One person can make all the difference. I'm not sure if it was her or me today and that's the beauty of how this works.. :) May you and all of your loved ones be blessed with great health and the biggest love to surround you. All of this, every moment, after all, is a gift.

**Thank God Mom has since been released. She continues her fight. Next, most likely radiation. Prayers for her and all those suffering with cancer would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my blog. Blessings....

Tee-riffic: Sade

When I was a little girl, my Mom introduced me to a beautiful singer and her name is Sade. I would borrow my mom's cassettes and listen to her music over and over again. Then fast forward to the greatest love I'd known before my husband. He reunited me with Sade and since then I have enjoyed her music in times of love, in times of struggle, in times of peace and relaxation, when taking a bath, meditating, or daydreaming. I have loved her so much. She has uplifted my spirits, coaxed me, made me feel sexy, and has set me free. When I found out she was going to be in concert, I just had to see her. I almost thought I wasn't going to be able to since while she was playing at The Staples Center near my home, I was in Malaysia to DJ. The one night I would be here, the tickets were way too much (not that she isn't worth every penny) still, it was almost $1,000.. but then my hubby had a brain blast and looked for tickets in Orange County so I did get to see her after all!! Not only did we pay much less, but the seats were better than what we would've gotten before, and it was a gift for my birthday!! Thank you baby. <3

I have seen quite a few concerts. Unforgettable shows. But I can honestly say seeing Sade has been a life changer. To sing her songs with her, it was mind blowing. She was beautiful, timeless, classy, and she sounded amazing. The sets were gorgeous, the song selection, divine. I'd never cried at a concert before. Never before her. 

John Legend opened and was truly stellar.  He sang his hits including an unreleased song called Dream that will be on his new album. I was so moved when he shared this with us and then he sang "Ordinary People" oh, my vision blurred and I thanked God because the last time I had heard that song, I was going through a tough time. I was hurting from the pain of my son's and my estrangement and him leaving my home.

Of course I couldn't help but think of you. I hope you know I take you with me wherever I go especially all places I find inspiring. It's a wonderful life and there are so many blessings waiting for us. I bet you didn't know you were at a Sade, John Legend concert but you were!! Hope you enjoy the vid, it was made with lotsa love.

So One of My Agents Unfollowed Me On Twitter! Tee-riffic, What Does That Mean?

Trolling the Internet late at night via my iPhone has become somewhat of a ritual these days. Not sure how healthy a habit it is but still, it's something that has me pass the time until I get tired. Last night I noticed one of my agents no longer follows me on Twitter and I actually felt weird about it. When I checked out who they follow it made sense, the list is short and it is comprised of people that are very close or a direct part of life. Still I couldn't help but feel a little sad, questioning myself, did I tweet too much? Was I not interesting enough?

Ahh, the mania that social media can encite. Once my logical side kicked in I realized that perhaps it is best after all, I tend to speak on many things not just acting and I also like to interact with people on Twitter. I can see how that may be a turn off to someone that follows few people.

This whole thing seems sillier and sillier the more I write about it yet I know I can't possibly be the only one who has had an experience like this. Tell me, have you ever had your feelings hurt by social media? Has there ever been a time you may have needed to talk yourself down after something Twitter, Facebook, or even myspace related happened?

Tee-riffic: International Baby!

Goodness gracious I am feeling so blessed, so happy, so excited. Life is good and God is GREAT! So many of my dreams are coming true and I am just over the moon about it all. For some time but especially this year I have been dreaming about travel. I have been blessed with quite a bit throughout the United States. I've been to some places in Mexico and got my 1st and only passport stamp to date when I went to the Bahamas but my visions have been set on going International.

Next week is my birthday and I have gotten the loveliest gift. I have been booked to DJ in Malaysia!!! I will literally be DJing the night before my birthday and I can't help but feel that this is such a special gift. No need to worry, all of you are invited. I'll take you in my heart and be sure to capture as much of the goodness as I can to share with you. I am so intrigued with all of it. Everything about this trip will be new to me, I've never been on a flight that long, my lay over is in Hong Kong, the food, the currency, the sights, the sounds, I can't wait to drink it all in! Just thinking about it fills me up with giddy and I don't take off until Monday!

There was a time in my life when having a car seemed big, let along thinking about planes and passports and the world beyond L.A. As a very young mommy there were so many times I felt on the sidelines, many times I sacrificed for my family. Sometimes things are tough that's true but if there is something you dream about, keep going! Believe, always believe because you can and will do it. Open yourself up to the magic and blessings all around you. I promise you that there is a big heaping bunch of goodness with your name on it. So keep on reaching for it. I'm right here, cheering you on!

I would like to thank Johnnie Walker Malaysia for this opportunity. This Black Circuit event is going to be amazing! Find out more about it HERE. Below is my shout out to Malaysia.

Tee-riffic: My Big Baby, Las Vegas, & Feeling Rich.

Thursday was wonderful, my son came over and we had a visit that lasted 5 hours.

It had been months since I'd seen him last. The gist of what had happened referenced here. A call the night before his visit finally put it all out on the table. It was amazing to listen, talk, and share. The biggest revelation was seeing that God had what's best for all of us in mind. Surely I carry that in my heart but to see it materialize and recognize it, that's an amazing feeling.

Tomorrow my baby starts his senior year in high school. Funny thing is he's not the only one growing up. When I had kids I was a kid myself. I remember hearing time would pass quickly. I couldn't even imagine that then. Now here I am, in a childless household with a life full of never before's and first times. Part of the reason I couldn't write this sooner was because of a whirlwind trip to Las Vegas.

I just got back last night and found myself eating out for breakfast today, going to the movies, and then shopping. What is this magical life???

A lot of us have heard the adage "one day at a time." When you're in the thick of things, hearing that can be annoying. Or maybe like me, you relate that saying to addicts fighting drug addiction. I can tell you by experience that magnificent things do happen one day at a time. At one point I had 3 jobs, was taking business classes at Pierce College, and raising my two babies alone. A diary entry recalled me getting to work late after dropping my kids off at school, praying for good money from the double shift I'd signed up for. Turns out I had promised to take them to Universal Studios and needed to make up some rent money I spent in keeping my word. One day at a time. All of these are reasons why I look at the world with wonder. I've lived through miracles, I've seen God work in my life. 

If you are in the middle of something, don't lose hope. Keep going. There will be a time you look back proudly at the trail you blazed behind you. As for me, I'm slightly older than a high school senior yet it turns out I too am graduating, and I'm throwing my cap in the air, ready for this new life, right now.

Tee-riffic: Weekend Gift

Thank you to every single person that sent my Mom and Grandma prayers after reading my last blog post. It was touching to hear from so many of you. I really appreciate every kind word and thought sent.

Entering this weekend, I had some private time scheduled. My husband was going to be busy with long days of shooting a BBoy event on both days so I let myself really take in that privacy.. I slept in, did research, ate what I wanted, took time to create, spoke to my Mom on the phone and my amazing friend Min. I did some "work" too, it's in quotes because really, it was a joy. I got to record a promo for a DJ gig I have coming up.  I also found some new inspiration.

It has been really nice to take it easy like this. Sometimes all the answers are in the stillness, the doing nothing. Isn't life funny that way??  Cheers to the quiet moments, hope you had a weekend gift too. xo

Cancer.

I knew when she called something was wrong. I could tell in her tone that the news wasn't going to be good. She requested a conference call my brothers, me, and her. She wanted to let us know what happened at the oncologist's office.

My Mother has stage 4 throat cancer. Surgery is out of the question. Aggressive chemotherapy and radiation are on the menu. There'll be a couple ports, losing of hair, a feeding tube, and then what she will face after surviving the treatment, the loss of the ability to make saliva and experience taste.

Fuck..

I'm listening just listening. Then I ask my questions. I don't break down. There's talk of an advance directive. She laughs & tries to make jokes while explaining this to us until she reaches the subject of her mom's offer to help. Her Mom, my Grandma, just got diagnosed with cancer of her own. It's in the blood. Multiple myeloma.

There is a moment when I crack a little. Reminding her to focus on the positive, give herself the best fighting chance, she won't be alone through this. After the call the tears come. Putting myself in her shoes, imaging how one could handle this news. I feel sad. I feel scared.

My Mom and I never had a relationship. There were glimpses when I was a little girl but after 9 and my parents divorce everything changed. So many crazy things happened, I've long considered writing a book about it. My grandmother on the other hand was the only female in my life. The constant. My teacher and advisor. Now they both have cancer and soon will be fighting for their lives while the "medicine" alone puts them on the brink of death.

There is nothing Tee-riffic about this. She won't be able to make saliva. Or taste. Fuck. I never even consider that being a possiblity. I am so grateful for my health right now but why does that gratitude seem so inappropriate?

I'd like to say my superwoman attitude kicked in and I dove right in offering to help as caregiver. I didn't. I need time, prayer, and the chance to do what I know I can for her right now. I'll be there, I'm just not sure how close I can get to all this. All I know is that life is precious, true love is forever, health is a gift, and everything can change in an instant.

If I could be so bold as to lean on you right now, I ask for prayers in their honor. To those who have done it, thank you so much.

Blessings and the greatest health to all of you. Always.