Tee-riffic: Awkward

Say you're up for an opportunity alongside someone you really like, care about, or even love. You get the opportunity. Everything goes well. As a matter of fact it is quite literally the answer to some of your prayers. Naturally you are feeling amazing. High. Exhilarated. 

Until you aren't. Your person didn't get it. As a matter of fact their experience was quite the opposite of yours. It was bad. They feel bad. Now, so do you. Shit.

Awkward. Now what? Not only is your moment completely taken away but you genuinely feel bad. You're on console mode. You mean every word, but it sucks. You wish your person would have gotten a chance too. And as sad as you are for your person, you're happy for you and want to give this blessing it's full light. 

I wish I knew what to say and how to make this better. This happened to me today and it was further exacerbated this evening when the situation came up again while speaking to a friend. I love my person. I'm sorry they didn't get it. But I also feel they should buck up, these things happen all the time. Remember my magical day as an Actor last post? I didn't hear anything from any of those opportunities. I could sit and feel bad or defeated but I don't. Who knows?! I may or may not get any of them. I had fun and most importantly I tried. There have been countless times I have been in the presence of this same person and they have gotten praise or opportunities that I didn't get. I didn't make that mean I am not good enough. Why on Earth would I do that? Why would any of us? We are all amazing wonderful beings. 

Cheers to that. Cheers to you. Cheers to my person who is still amazing. And by golly, cheers to me for getting this lovely blessing today. I am excited and super grateful. Thank you God. I may not have let it shine bright, but I have been beaming about it. All day. 

Yeah Mind, Get Outta My Mind!!!

Last night's sleep was terrible. I woke up in the middle of the night freezing and drenched in sweat. I woke up this morning in a daze straight out of weird dreams. Immediately negative thoughts pounced on me. Worry, judgements, confusion. Down the rabbit hole I went.

Lately it seems that when I really take a stance in my new life, my TODAY life (that I envision filled with abundance, purpose, positivity, possibility, philanthropy) I get attacked by negative thoughts and fear. It's like I'll have one or two amazing powerful days and then CRASH the next day or two I feel yucky. 

Trying to figure this out has been driving me nuts and seems to just exacerbate the problem. Then I read that I should allow myself to feel the emotions. Well what exactly does that look like? I am definitely feeling these emotions but gosh darn it I don't want to!!! Not only that but how long do these feelings get center stage?! Can anyone else relate to this??? 

Speaking with my husband really helped me this morning. Yes, he had sound advice to give but I also got a lot from myself because I tell you if you try to say out loud to someone else what you say to yourself a lot of the time it just seems plain dumb. If anyone else has experienced this please share because I have and it's unreal. 

I wish I had a remedy. I have been reading a lot and educating myself on these things but I cannot recommend anything right now as I am going through this myself currently. All I can say is that I WILL make it through this. If you are going through something YOU WILL make it through too. How about we lean on each other in the mean time? 

You Owe Me Money AND You're a Douchebag

I DJ'ed regularly for a company called Metropark. They were a boutique chain selling men's and women's fashions. They are now bankrupt. I had an outstanding invoice with them and I am not going to be paid for it. This is not fun news to hear. No one likes to work for free. Even I, who loves giving to people and organizations have the same expectation we all do which is if this is a job then I am going to be paid.

What brought me to write this blog is not the fact I am not going to get my money. It was how I was treated when I called to follow up on my invoice and to figure out if something else can be arranged. 

A condescending man had the audacity to cut me off while I was speaking repeatedly, he offered to refer me to a website where I could learn about bankruptcy, he told me he didn't have the authority to help me, he claimed he wasn't even in payroll, he also flat out said "well, none of you DJ's are getting paid." 

Maybe all of this is true. Maybe he was stressed. Maybe he feels like a little maggot having to represent and stick it out for a company that hasn't made good out in the world and obviously has a lot of people upset at them right now. Maybe, maybe, maybe. 

How about, Maybe he doesn't have to be such a douchebag???

I'm not gonna bitch and moan about the money. There are people that are out of a job because of this and worse. I feel for every single one of these people. I get where my invoice is in the big scheme of this. However, I am still a person. A human being. I don't deserve to be dumped on & THAT is where my problem lies. A little goes a long way. A little kindness, understanding, truth, decency. 

As I continue my path of enlightenment I will someday be above these situations. Like Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi. The type of being that realizes what's going on around them but doesn't get affected. I'm glad that my moments of funk don't last as long as they once did and I am able to see the other person's side. I am also proud to say I didn't raise my voice, get nasty, or stoop to his level. I simply stated how I felt they could be more human about the situation and then I ended the phone call. These are advancements. Right now though, I have to say I was affected. Metropark Jesse you're #1 and you can go ahead and imagine what gesture I'm using to illustrate that. 

Effff you dude, effff YOU.

A Night of Debauchery

Ugh.

The morning after.

Ever find yourself in this position? You go out. Things are great. You're having fun. There are drinks, there's laughter and stories, dancing ensues. Maybe another outing with friends, and then the night progresses into something else. Suddenly the experience doesn't resonate with you so much anymore and as the night fades out (because these nights are always insanely long) you are made more and more aware of an uncomfortableness.  Upon morning's break you're free! Except for the thinking... you know, the seemingly endless recounting of events or choices you want to forget. Ugh.

Ugh in-deed.

The choices I made last night no longer serve me. I know this now and the part of me that wishes to achieve mastery someday is grateful for the uncomfortableness that brought me to this. It is a lesson. It is my friend. The human part of me though is writing this blog because like the person who is "so over that" but is still talking about it, I am left with residue from it all.

Last night I drank and smoked. Here is what coincided with that:

I spent more than I wanted to, allowed someone to drink from my glass, got bumped into on the dance floor (spilling on myself and others) then the strange interaction with a neighbor due to playing music (as in, live instrumentation) with our patio door wide open. Not the brightest moments.

These activities do not resonate with me today. I wasn't my highest self (and no, this is not my attempt at being pun-ny :P) I didn't make the highest choices. Upon reflection, my light, my being-ness, became dimmed. Burnt out. Fun just isn't as fun. The enjoyment of food is either too much or too little. Sleep sucks.

Then there are the judgements that ensue. This comes from me and me alone but they are there and feel like an enormous waste of energy. Why did I do that? That was dumb. Did I make an ass out of myself? And now, the why don't I wanna do that anymore? Does this mean I'm getting old? I'd like to think that I'm getting wiser, I know I am getting healthier. As I travel more and go through other experiences I know there will be times I enjoy a glass of wine or a new cocktail I've never tried before. I am not wishing to come off as some absolute single minded being. I am simply stating that I am aware of the closing of a chapter. The way I had experienced pass times involving drinking and smoking have changed. And somehow, as I sit here typing this out, enlightenment. Because I am not only ok with it, I'm excited by it.

Could it be??? Maybe. Look at me guys! I'm all growsed up.

: P ; D

A Mother's Love

Silence in the office,

voices in the other room.

So lonely.

The weight of the world shouldered,

one minute forging on, the next apathy, anger, and now waves of crushing sadness..

Oh to scream.

Instead sobbing quietly

Lied to me again. 

Lots of lies. 

Some small, 

some big, 

but still a good job was done of it. 

Months passed and the truth might not have been known.

Now like fighters in a ring,

only corners...

My back is pressed.

You had to leave.

Said you didn't want to,

But morning brought your absence.

7 days.

Now a call?

Why on earth is the "right" thing so hard?

The desire to love it away held back. 

That wouldn't help now.

Still I do though, I love you & I always will. 

And THAT is why this is excruciating.

Tears, confusion.

 You tell me you love me.

& I love you too.

 But the problems remain.

You can figure this out I say.

No one wants to hang up the phone.

Words fail and then it's over.

I'm left with God and the strongest paper towel

Both seem to hold everything.

This too shall pass.

Because I DO love you and I know that when you solve this puzzle, you'll be set free....

Until then I'll be here, waiting.

I promise. 

I'll be here no matter what 

forevermore...

The Extraordinary & Ordinary Intertwined

This weekend I was in and out of consciousness. My cold had me relegated to my home (mostly my bed.) Not by force (thank goodness) it was my choice. What can I say?! I tend to highly value maximum health. Amidst the sea of dreams, I experienced many firsts:

*I put my needs first & turned down a family invitation because it didn't feel right.

*I created the most luxurious spa experience in my bathroom complete with candles, lavender bath salts, extremely hot water, & a private showing of Eat Pray Love. Thanks to Netflix & my MacBook.

*I made the decision to, & began learning Italian.

*I claimed my space without guilt once & for all & now refuse to let my cats sleep with me in my bedroom anymore.

*I let my faith guide me through yet another extremely big change in my life. A person I love very much and have dedicated a good portion of my life to is no longer in my regular picture. Their departure from my every day has been surreal yet serves as another sign of what I "knew" the moment the clock marked 12am on New Year's Day 2011. I'm stepping into a whole new life.

The more I allow it the more I see the beauty of the extraordinary & the ordinary intertwined. It is beautiful, succinct, delicious. It is gorgeously intimate. I feel I am becoming a better person. This excites me. I've never experienced peace like this before, faith like this before, it is amazing.

I guess you could say cold and all, my weekend was great. Somehow 85% of the time spent in my room connected me even more to myself, the world, and you. Extraordinary & ordinary, indeed.

Feeling The Love

80's hits pump through my iPhone / Hi Fi system, filled with love as I sit at my home office desk. I just shared something BIG on facebook & it feels so good. I'm married!!!

I am so blessed to have a wonderful man in my life and it feels great to share it with all of you.

As a female in the Entertainment Industry, I've wondered about how much I should share... To be completely honest, I've worried. But the more I grow I realize that the beauty is in the fullest truth. I have heard that the best marketing attracts what you want and repels what you don't want. This statement has been profound for me. As I have applied this philosophy to my business and my life any doubts I may have had have melted away.

Life is too short. Let's celebrate every minute, every victory, every person that shows us love, every circumstance that allows us to be our highest self. I am so grateful to have quite a few of these things, and if I may be completely honest, one of the greatest has been my husband Tony.

So if I may take a minute, Tony I love you. Thank you for being my best friend and soul mate. Thank you for being my partner every minute. I am honored to be your wife and I look forward to making you proud the rest of our lives.

Cheers to love, life, and being our fullest selves. Have a great day!

Blah.

How are you? Today's been weird. Not hard, not easy, just trying.. what's up with that? I think it could be because I'm going through a lot of change and growth right now. It seems my week was littered with an on day off day kinda deal where I'd have one really powerful day and the next I'd be really tired or crabby. Anyone else go through this?

I guess it just feels like I am being tested. Like, can you take the pressure and work your goals require? How serious are you? Check out this distraction, will you fold? It's weird. The other night after an extremely powerful phenomenal day, I found myself crying in bed. I mean, I wanted to just sob. How weird is that? Here I was just overcome. I can tell you it took me by surprise but just imagine how crazy it looked to my sweetheart in bed next to me. He's like, what happened? What's wrong? And there I was, just crying like, "I don't know"...

I've been wanting to share what I'm going through here on my blog for a few weeks now but I've been afraid because it's BIG stuff having to do with business, spirituality, GOD, and I guess even though I know it's amazing, real, and I want to share it with you so you can benefit too, I also wonder will they think I'm crazy????

Ultimately, no matter what there's always a chance you could think I'm crazy and I guess in truth sometimes I can be. I think you have to be a little "out of your mind" to be bold, successful, and strong in your faith.

A famed modern day spiritual leader named Neale Donald Walsch had this to say on his Twitter the other day: "Your feelings never lie. They do not know how to. They tell U exactly what U are being in any moment." I know he's right.

Remember my crying the other night? Once I reflected on that, I realized that my feelings did reveal something I didn't want to admit to myself. I had allowed myself to believe wholeheartedly in something and when it didn't pass, my great disappointment and my being overwhelmed at everything going on, just came out. No matter how much I tried to hold on to the joy of everything else I was experiencing.

So what are you feeling? How was your day? My day was just blah and that's... OK.

With love and acceptance,

Tee


Now Playing: We Fight/We Love by Q-Tip

Let's Get Our Zen On!

If you're new to the blog, welcome. I have just had a big move and now live near the ocean for the first time and it's amazing. Every day, there's is something different to take from it and I figured, why not share the love??

No matter where you are, now you have a bit of the ocean with you whenever you want! So go ahead and get your zen on! There's no wrong way...

Sending you full expressions of health, wealth, and happiness. Ommmm..... ; )

Thank you...

Andrea for your support, tenacity, and belief in me. Robin & Chaim for your commitment to those you align with and including me in that group. Tony for everything. Who you are, how you encourage me to be, and how time is when I'm with you. Christian and Andrea for teaching me while letting me teach you. For friends new and old. Admirers. Loved ones.

Thank you good health, delicious food, opportunities, and positive attitudes. Thank you peace, rest, and nourishment. Thank you wealth.

There is so much to be thankful for.

Thank YOU for visiting. Thanks for reading, subscribing, posting, following, commenting, for all you do. Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for being a part of my life.

Thank you.

Love, light, and blessings... Tee

Tick tock tick, I feel like sh....

It started Monday night. Between sleep & awake, I was restless. I started perusing facebook & twitter and I found a post from a friend of mine that was in Hawaii alone without her husband. This wouldn't have bothered me except I know they have been having problems lately and she recently cheated on him. He's home with the kids and she's in Hawaii?! I couldn't believe how much this pissed me off. It seemed unfair. Giving you more details would probably make my viewpoint more clear but I will refrain because this post isn't about them, it's about my crabbiness and this just happened to set it off. Unjust situations really bother me and this kicked off a bunch of feelings I didn't like. I wondered where they came from. Why did I feel so strongly about this? I tried to let it go and go to sleep. I had to try again.

I woke up the next morning and the feeling ensued. Since then, except for the majority of Wednesday, I have had a nagging crabbiness. I've been irritated more easily at things. I notice this and it makes me nervous because I know it's not good to be focused on the negative. Plus, I don't like how it makes me feel.. To top it off, I "know" how to get out of it. Just think happy thoughts, count your blessings, stop the negative thought in it's track and don't let it continue, blah, blah, blah. I guess this is one of those times I just gotta be. So here I am in all my human-ness just riding it out. Damn human-ness... ; )