Don't Blog With Your Mouth Full!!

Italian dry salami. Kettle cooked jalapeno chips. Crunchy, yummy, oh so good yet totally in the way of my writing process. Aaargh!! As I attempt to load my next mouthful and not lose my train of thought I notice I seem to have nailed down the quick bite / fingertip napkin swipe. YES! Nasty keyboards, not my thing.

Where oh where is the technology that will magically wi-fi my thoughts onto my computer screen. Steve Jobs? Apple wizards?? Alas, I digress.....

I felt this blog title was perfect not only to illustrate my very immediate situation but also to address the message at large which has to do with all of the things I'm currently working on. I have thoughts of taking on completely new ventures. There's so much. It's like my mouth is full of a yummy morsel, there's more on my full plate, and I wanna chat and chew at the same time! These ventures will include my artistic heart but my artistry wouldn't be the main focus. Making it all new, new, new. I consider this a tremendous breakthrough because I have been struggling with where my arts could fit in to my life today. Everything around me has been changing and I've been feeling called to do something more.

I can't reveal everything now but I can say that after modifying my vision board yesterday I woke up today ready to take charge. I tackled my items with purpose. I signed up for various volunteer activities. I discussed a new plan I have with my husband. I asked a question that lead to revealing a little of what I'm thinking of to my roommate. Then while making lunch, an idea... After coming back to my desk, 4 more.

It is my belief that we are all beautiful divine beings up to amazing things as we interact with each other through our lives. I believe the circumstances that surround us are miracle filled. I believe that we create our own destiny. That thoughts are things and that work and faith are the arms that carry those thoughts out into the world. I also believe that it doesn't have to be hard.

With that said, there will be more coming, so please stay tuned. Is there something new you're thinking of taking on?

You Owe Me Money AND You're a Douchebag

I DJ'ed regularly for a company called Metropark. They were a boutique chain selling men's and women's fashions. They are now bankrupt. I had an outstanding invoice with them and I am not going to be paid for it. This is not fun news to hear. No one likes to work for free. Even I, who loves giving to people and organizations have the same expectation we all do which is if this is a job then I am going to be paid.

What brought me to write this blog is not the fact I am not going to get my money. It was how I was treated when I called to follow up on my invoice and to figure out if something else can be arranged. 

A condescending man had the audacity to cut me off while I was speaking repeatedly, he offered to refer me to a website where I could learn about bankruptcy, he told me he didn't have the authority to help me, he claimed he wasn't even in payroll, he also flat out said "well, none of you DJ's are getting paid." 

Maybe all of this is true. Maybe he was stressed. Maybe he feels like a little maggot having to represent and stick it out for a company that hasn't made good out in the world and obviously has a lot of people upset at them right now. Maybe, maybe, maybe. 

How about, Maybe he doesn't have to be such a douchebag???

I'm not gonna bitch and moan about the money. There are people that are out of a job because of this and worse. I feel for every single one of these people. I get where my invoice is in the big scheme of this. However, I am still a person. A human being. I don't deserve to be dumped on & THAT is where my problem lies. A little goes a long way. A little kindness, understanding, truth, decency. 

As I continue my path of enlightenment I will someday be above these situations. Like Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi. The type of being that realizes what's going on around them but doesn't get affected. I'm glad that my moments of funk don't last as long as they once did and I am able to see the other person's side. I am also proud to say I didn't raise my voice, get nasty, or stoop to his level. I simply stated how I felt they could be more human about the situation and then I ended the phone call. These are advancements. Right now though, I have to say I was affected. Metropark Jesse you're #1 and you can go ahead and imagine what gesture I'm using to illustrate that. 

Effff you dude, effff YOU.

Losing All of My Weight.

Take it.
Take it all....

I find myself saying that more and more to my previous ways of being. I've opened a Pandora's Box. I didn't realize it but it's been done and now I'm left shedding all of my extra weight. Everything.

The life I once knew, the direction I was going in, the things I deemed important. They have all been and continue to be challenged. From weight I carried in my body, to weight-y relationships. From endless lists of digital items, to material possessions I once cherished. It's all just going, going, GONE. Most of it feels natural, thank God. After all, I have chosen this. Granted I didn't know how far it would go but I have chosen this. Yet, there are moments I discover ties to things I didn't know I had and relationships fall away that I didn't intend to lose.

Last week, I donated 85% of my possessions.

As the filled truck rolled away I felt a moment of sadness. The memories of the times I had spent with my family and our stuff flashed by in my mind. Actual tears welled up in my eyes. Then with a swallow I was overjoyed. Excited. Grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to be able to do something like that. Grateful to be so blessed. Happy at the thought of what new person or family would benefit and create memories of their own with our things.

This is what housed our stuff before:

Here's the after:

I can't even begin to describe all of the benefits I have received throughout this process. It isn't over yet and there are tough moments. Not to include that would be dishonest. I wonder at times what people will think of my posts, they're all so "Eat Pray Love." I know. I get it. I worry my thoughts aren't mainstream enough to be cool and then I just keep jumping off the cliffs.

So far I have felt lighter, freer, more enlightened and connected with something much bigger and way more important than anything I've ever experienced before. I have felt strength with each passed threshold and so much more grateful for each wondrous person, place, or thing, that makes the cuts.

If you'd like to make a difference with some of your items or if you feel weighed down by stuff, people, places, situations, there is a way out. You too can release. One thing at a time. Whatever your pace and process is, it's perfect. Just take the steps when you're ready. My favorite organization to donate things to is The Salvation Army. They make it easy and really help people. Although, this last time I did want to ship things to Africa as well. I just didn't find out about a place. <--If you know of a place please let me know for future reference. :)

May you realize the blessing in you each moment. Thank you for being a part of my world. <3

A Night of Debauchery

Ugh.

The morning after.

Ever find yourself in this position? You go out. Things are great. You're having fun. There are drinks, there's laughter and stories, dancing ensues. Maybe another outing with friends, and then the night progresses into something else. Suddenly the experience doesn't resonate with you so much anymore and as the night fades out (because these nights are always insanely long) you are made more and more aware of an uncomfortableness.  Upon morning's break you're free! Except for the thinking... you know, the seemingly endless recounting of events or choices you want to forget. Ugh.

Ugh in-deed.

The choices I made last night no longer serve me. I know this now and the part of me that wishes to achieve mastery someday is grateful for the uncomfortableness that brought me to this. It is a lesson. It is my friend. The human part of me though is writing this blog because like the person who is "so over that" but is still talking about it, I am left with residue from it all.

Last night I drank and smoked. Here is what coincided with that:

I spent more than I wanted to, allowed someone to drink from my glass, got bumped into on the dance floor (spilling on myself and others) then the strange interaction with a neighbor due to playing music (as in, live instrumentation) with our patio door wide open. Not the brightest moments.

These activities do not resonate with me today. I wasn't my highest self (and no, this is not my attempt at being pun-ny :P) I didn't make the highest choices. Upon reflection, my light, my being-ness, became dimmed. Burnt out. Fun just isn't as fun. The enjoyment of food is either too much or too little. Sleep sucks.

Then there are the judgements that ensue. This comes from me and me alone but they are there and feel like an enormous waste of energy. Why did I do that? That was dumb. Did I make an ass out of myself? And now, the why don't I wanna do that anymore? Does this mean I'm getting old? I'd like to think that I'm getting wiser, I know I am getting healthier. As I travel more and go through other experiences I know there will be times I enjoy a glass of wine or a new cocktail I've never tried before. I am not wishing to come off as some absolute single minded being. I am simply stating that I am aware of the closing of a chapter. The way I had experienced pass times involving drinking and smoking have changed. And somehow, as I sit here typing this out, enlightenment. Because I am not only ok with it, I'm excited by it.

Could it be??? Maybe. Look at me guys! I'm all growsed up.

: P ; D

Letting It Go and Letting It In

Last time I wrote I was going through the depths of it. Questioning everything. Myself, my decisions, my path in life, my values and the things I hold dear, it was TERRIBLE. Since then I have prayed. I have sought council from my dearest, (husband, friends, family.) Slowly, the doubts fear and anguish started lifting away... Then I was gifted with this past weekend.

This past weekend, I went to Santa Barbara for a friend's wedding.The experience was a gift to me from God. It seemed as though everywhere I turned I was delivered either a sign of the path I am on or a reminder/encouragement for where I am going. Here is what I mean...

1. Hubby took forever to RSVP (it was his friend getting married) and I didn't think we were going to go but then not only did he pull the trigger but he had the idea for us to rent a room and enjoy the weekend.

2.Although we had been to S.B many times, it just so happened our usual Days Inn was not available leaving us to enjoy a new piece of town we were not familiar with. :)

3. This new Days Inn was nicer and larger than where we normally stay.

4. It "just so happened" that there was a lovely market like a privately owned smaller Trader Joe's filled with inexpensive healthy foods & drink right across the street. :D

Then we got to the wedding....

1. We arrived late along with another couple that "just so happened" to be friends of ours which was an unexpected delight.

2. After a short and gorgeous ceremony, we walked over to where the reception was to be held where we were greeted with a wonderfully talented group of musicians playing Brazilian music. The very next song they played upon our entering? My favorite, "Agua de Beber". :D

3. As we entered the main area and found our table, it just so happened a new band was playing another one of my favorite songs that has been very poignant for me these days "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You" by Sting. We were also seated with the greatest company. A motivational speaker and his wife, our friends that I referenced earlier, and a powerful man in TV who is the spitting image of President Barack Obama. :)

4. As the night progressed, there was love filled speeches, praise, dancing, delicious foods, drinks, wonderful music, and FUN. It had been a long time since I'd had some fun.

There were other gifts blessings miracles,

5. Our friends fiancee had come to me later in the evening and said to me, "as an Artist, you can't give up. You must keep going. It may seem tough but everyone who is mainstream today started out not being well known. We each have gifts and you have to share yours with the world." She had no reason to tell me this. I had never met her before and did not mention anywhere in my conversation with her what I had been feeling in my heart the days before this outing. How on earth could she have known that I was contemplating quitting? *Gift

6. When we pulled up to this beautiful venue I found out it was valet parking only much to my dismay. I like to have quick access to my car and wasn't sure if I would need my coat later on. One thing I DID notice however was that in the front of the venue there were nothing but luxury cars and I made a comment to my husband about how THAT is the company I love to be in. ;) It just so happened as we left the wedding after a delicious stroll in the full moon light I came to find my car amidst all it's luxurious friends. :D

Can you believe that even on the way home there was very limited traffic and I had cars just move out of my way on more than three occasions? If you live or are aware of Los Angeles 101 traffic you will understand what a true miracle this is indeed. :D

I'm here to tell you that I believe in miracles and I think they happen every day. I believe that gifts and blessings swirl all around and are available to all of us. The days before this outing I felt broken, heavy, and lost. These things and feelings happen. But if we look around us and believe. All the things that make us happy and the people that make us feel strong are there too and they're just waiting to be given a chance to lift us up.

"There are only two ways to live your life. 

One is as though nothing is a miracle. 

The other is as though everything is a miracle." 

- Albert Einstein

Wishing you an abundance of miracles. Love to you,
Tee

A Mother's Love

Silence in the office,

voices in the other room.

So lonely.

The weight of the world shouldered,

one minute forging on, the next apathy, anger, and now waves of crushing sadness..

Oh to scream.

Instead sobbing quietly

Lied to me again. 

Lots of lies. 

Some small, 

some big, 

but still a good job was done of it. 

Months passed and the truth might not have been known.

Now like fighters in a ring,

only corners...

My back is pressed.

You had to leave.

Said you didn't want to,

But morning brought your absence.

7 days.

Now a call?

Why on earth is the "right" thing so hard?

The desire to love it away held back. 

That wouldn't help now.

Still I do though, I love you & I always will. 

And THAT is why this is excruciating.

Tears, confusion.

 You tell me you love me.

& I love you too.

 But the problems remain.

You can figure this out I say.

No one wants to hang up the phone.

Words fail and then it's over.

I'm left with God and the strongest paper towel

Both seem to hold everything.

This too shall pass.

Because I DO love you and I know that when you solve this puzzle, you'll be set free....

Until then I'll be here, waiting.

I promise. 

I'll be here no matter what 

forevermore...

The Extraordinary & Ordinary Intertwined

This weekend I was in and out of consciousness. My cold had me relegated to my home (mostly my bed.) Not by force (thank goodness) it was my choice. What can I say?! I tend to highly value maximum health. Amidst the sea of dreams, I experienced many firsts:

*I put my needs first & turned down a family invitation because it didn't feel right.

*I created the most luxurious spa experience in my bathroom complete with candles, lavender bath salts, extremely hot water, & a private showing of Eat Pray Love. Thanks to Netflix & my MacBook.

*I made the decision to, & began learning Italian.

*I claimed my space without guilt once & for all & now refuse to let my cats sleep with me in my bedroom anymore.

*I let my faith guide me through yet another extremely big change in my life. A person I love very much and have dedicated a good portion of my life to is no longer in my regular picture. Their departure from my every day has been surreal yet serves as another sign of what I "knew" the moment the clock marked 12am on New Year's Day 2011. I'm stepping into a whole new life.

The more I allow it the more I see the beauty of the extraordinary & the ordinary intertwined. It is beautiful, succinct, delicious. It is gorgeously intimate. I feel I am becoming a better person. This excites me. I've never experienced peace like this before, faith like this before, it is amazing.

I guess you could say cold and all, my weekend was great. Somehow 85% of the time spent in my room connected me even more to myself, the world, and you. Extraordinary & ordinary, indeed.