Saturday, April 30, 2011

A Night of Debauchery


The morning after.

Ever find yourself in this position? You go out. Things are great. You're having fun. There are drinks, there's laughter and stories, dancing ensues. Maybe another outing with friends, and then the night progresses into something else. Suddenly the experience doesn't resonate with you so much anymore and as the night fades out (because these nights are always insanely long) you are made more and more aware of an uncomfortableness.  Upon morning's break you're free! Except for the thinking... you know, the seemingly endless recounting of events or choices you want to forget. Ugh.

Ugh in-deed.

The choices I made last night no longer serve me. I know this now and the part of me that wishes to achieve mastery someday is grateful for the uncomfortableness that brought me to this. It is a lesson. It is my friend. The human part of me though is writing this blog because like the person who is "so over that" but is still talking about it, I am left with residue from it all.

Last night I drank and smoked. Here is what coincided with that:

I spent more than I wanted to, allowed someone to drink from my glass, got bumped into on the dance floor (spilling on myself and others) then the strange interaction with a neighbor due to playing music (as in, live instrumentation) with our patio door wide open. Not the brightest moments.

These activities do not resonate with me today. I wasn't my highest self (and no, this is not my attempt at being pun-ny :P) I didn't make the highest choices. Upon reflection, my light, my being-ness, became dimmed. Burnt out. Fun just isn't as fun. The enjoyment of food is either too much or too little. Sleep sucks.

Then there are the judgements that ensue. This comes from me and me alone but they are there and feel like an enormous waste of energy. Why did I do that? That was dumb. Did I make an ass out of myself? And now, the why don't I wanna do that anymore? Does this mean I'm getting old? I'd like to think that I'm getting wiser, I know I am getting healthier. As I travel more and go through other experiences I know there will be times I enjoy a glass of wine or a new cocktail I've never tried before. I am not wishing to come off as some absolute single minded being. I am simply stating that I am aware of the closing of a chapter. The way I had experienced pass times involving drinking and smoking have changed. And somehow, as I sit here typing this out, enlightenment. Because I am not only ok with it, I'm excited by it.

Could it be??? Maybe. Look at me guys! I'm all growsed up.

: P ; D

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