Saturday, April 30, 2011

A Night of Debauchery


The morning after.

Ever find yourself in this position? You go out. Things are great. You're having fun. There are drinks, there's laughter and stories, dancing ensues. Maybe another outing with friends, and then the night progresses into something else. Suddenly the experience doesn't resonate with you so much anymore and as the night fades out (because these nights are always insanely long) you are made more and more aware of an uncomfortableness.  Upon morning's break you're free! Except for the thinking... you know, the seemingly endless recounting of events or choices you want to forget. Ugh.

Ugh in-deed.

The choices I made last night no longer serve me. I know this now and the part of me that wishes to achieve mastery someday is grateful for the uncomfortableness that brought me to this. It is a lesson. It is my friend. The human part of me though is writing this blog because like the person who is "so over that" but is still talking about it, I am left with residue from it all.

Last night I drank and smoked. Here is what coincided with that:

I spent more than I wanted to, allowed someone to drink from my glass, got bumped into on the dance floor (spilling on myself and others) then the strange interaction with a neighbor due to playing music (as in, live instrumentation) with our patio door wide open. Not the brightest moments.

These activities do not resonate with me today. I wasn't my highest self (and no, this is not my attempt at being pun-ny :P) I didn't make the highest choices. Upon reflection, my light, my being-ness, became dimmed. Burnt out. Fun just isn't as fun. The enjoyment of food is either too much or too little. Sleep sucks.

Then there are the judgements that ensue. This comes from me and me alone but they are there and feel like an enormous waste of energy. Why did I do that? That was dumb. Did I make an ass out of myself? And now, the why don't I wanna do that anymore? Does this mean I'm getting old? I'd like to think that I'm getting wiser, I know I am getting healthier. As I travel more and go through other experiences I know there will be times I enjoy a glass of wine or a new cocktail I've never tried before. I am not wishing to come off as some absolute single minded being. I am simply stating that I am aware of the closing of a chapter. The way I had experienced pass times involving drinking and smoking have changed. And somehow, as I sit here typing this out, enlightenment. Because I am not only ok with it, I'm excited by it.

Could it be??? Maybe. Look at me guys! I'm all growsed up.

: P ; D

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Letting It Go and Letting It In

Last time I wrote I was going through the depths of it. Questioning everything. Myself, my decisions, my path in life, my values and the things I hold dear, it was TERRIBLE. Since then I have prayed. I have sought council from my dearest, (husband, friends, family.) Slowly, the doubts fear and anguish started lifting away... Then I was gifted with this past weekend.

This past weekend, I went to Santa Barbara for a friend's wedding.The experience was a gift to me from God. It seemed as though everywhere I turned I was delivered either a sign of the path I am on or a reminder/encouragement for where I am going. Here is what I mean...

1. Hubby took forever to RSVP (it was his friend getting married) and I didn't think we were going to go but then not only did he pull the trigger but he had the idea for us to rent a room and enjoy the weekend.

2.Although we had been to S.B many times, it just so happened our usual Days Inn was not available leaving us to enjoy a new piece of town we were not familiar with. :)

3. This new Days Inn was nicer and larger than where we normally stay.

4. It "just so happened" that there was a lovely market like a privately owned smaller Trader Joe's filled with inexpensive healthy foods & drink right across the street. :D

Then we got to the wedding....

1. We arrived late along with another couple that "just so happened" to be friends of ours which was an unexpected delight.

2. After a short and gorgeous ceremony, we walked over to where the reception was to be held where we were greeted with a wonderfully talented group of musicians playing Brazilian music. The very next song they played upon our entering? My favorite, "Agua de Beber". :D

3. As we entered the main area and found our table, it just so happened a new band was playing another one of my favorite songs that has been very poignant for me these days "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You" by Sting. We were also seated with the greatest company. A motivational speaker and his wife, our friends that I referenced earlier, and a powerful man in TV who is the spitting image of President Barack Obama. :)

4. As the night progressed, there was love filled speeches, praise, dancing, delicious foods, drinks, wonderful music, and FUN. It had been a long time since I'd had some fun.

There were other gifts blessings miracles,

5. Our friends fiancee had come to me later in the evening and said to me, "as an Artist, you can't give up. You must keep going. It may seem tough but everyone who is mainstream today started out not being well known. We each have gifts and you have to share yours with the world." She had no reason to tell me this. I had never met her before and did not mention anywhere in my conversation with her what I had been feeling in my heart the days before this outing. How on earth could she have known that I was contemplating quitting? *Gift

6. When we pulled up to this beautiful venue I found out it was valet parking only much to my dismay. I like to have quick access to my car and wasn't sure if I would need my coat later on. One thing I DID notice however was that in the front of the venue there were nothing but luxury cars and I made a comment to my husband about how THAT is the company I love to be in. ;) It just so happened as we left the wedding after a delicious stroll in the full moon light I came to find my car amidst all it's luxurious friends. :D

Can you believe that even on the way home there was very limited traffic and I had cars just move out of my way on more than three occasions? If you live or are aware of Los Angeles 101 traffic you will understand what a true miracle this is indeed. :D

I'm here to tell you that I believe in miracles and I think they happen every day. I believe that gifts and blessings swirl all around and are available to all of us. The days before this outing I felt broken, heavy, and lost. These things and feelings happen. But if we look around us and believe. All the things that make us happy and the people that make us feel strong are there too and they're just waiting to be given a chance to lift us up.

"There are only two ways to live your life. 
One is as though nothing is a miracle. 
The other is as though everything is a miracle." 
- Albert Einstein

Wishing you an abundance of miracles. Love to you,

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A Mother's Love

Silence in the office,
voices in the other room.
So lonely.
The weight of the world shouldered,
one minute forging on, the next apathy, anger, and now waves of crushing sadness..
Oh to scream.
Instead sobbing quietly

Lied to me again. 
Lots of lies. 
Some small
some big, 
but still a good job was done of it. 
Months passed and the truth might not have been known.
Now like fighters in a ring,
only corners...
My back is pressed.
You had to leave.
Said you didn't want to,
But morning brought your absence.
7 days.
Now a call?

Why on earth is the "right" thing so hard?
The desire to love it away held back. 
That wouldn't help now.
Still I do though, I love you & I always will. 
And THAT is why this is excruciating.

Tears, confusion.
 You tell me you love me.
& I love you too.
 But the problems remain.

You can figure this out I say.
No one wants to hang up the phone.
Words fail and then it's over.

I'm left with God and the strongest paper towel
Both seem to hold everything.
This too shall pass.
Because I DO love you and I know that when you solve this puzzle, you'll be set free....

Until then I'll be here, waiting.
I promise. 
I'll be here no matter what 

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Extraordinary & Ordinary Intertwined

This weekend I was in and out of consciousness. My cold had me relegated to my home (mostly my bed.) Not by force (thank goodness) it was my choice. What can I say?! I tend to highly value maximum health. Amidst the sea of dreams, I experienced many firsts:

*I put my needs first & turned down a family invitation because it didn't feel right.

*I created the most luxurious spa experience in my bathroom complete with candles, lavender bath salts, extremely hot water, & a private showing of Eat Pray Love. Thanks to Netflix & my MacBook.

*I made the decision to, & began learning Italian.

*I claimed my space without guilt once & for all & now refuse to let my cats sleep with me in my bedroom anymore.

*I let my faith guide me through yet another extremely big change in my life. A person I love very much and have dedicated a good portion of my life to is no longer in my regular picture. Their departure from my every day has been surreal yet serves as another sign of what I "knew" the moment the clock marked 12am on New Year's Day 2011. I'm stepping into a whole new life.

The more I allow it the more I see the beauty of the extraordinary & the ordinary intertwined. It is beautiful, succinct, delicious. It is gorgeously intimate. I feel I am becoming a better person. This excites me. I've never experienced peace like this before, faith like this before, it is amazing.

I guess you could say cold and all, my weekend was great. Somehow 85% of the time spent in my room connected me even more to myself, the world, and you. Extraordinary & ordinary, indeed.