Cancer.

I knew when she called something was wrong. I could tell in her tone that the news wasn't going to be good. She requested a conference call my brothers, me, and her. She wanted to let us know what happened at the oncologist's office.

My Mother has stage 4 throat cancer. Surgery is out of the question. Aggressive chemotherapy and radiation are on the menu. There'll be a couple ports, losing of hair, a feeding tube, and then what she will face after surviving the treatment, the loss of the ability to make saliva and experience taste.

Fuck..

I'm listening just listening. Then I ask my questions. I don't break down. There's talk of an advance directive. She laughs & tries to make jokes while explaining this to us until she reaches the subject of her mom's offer to help. Her Mom, my Grandma, just got diagnosed with cancer of her own. It's in the blood. Multiple myeloma.

There is a moment when I crack a little. Reminding her to focus on the positive, give herself the best fighting chance, she won't be alone through this. After the call the tears come. Putting myself in her shoes, imaging how one could handle this news. I feel sad. I feel scared.

My Mom and I never had a relationship. There were glimpses when I was a little girl but after 9 and my parents divorce everything changed. So many crazy things happened, I've long considered writing a book about it. My grandmother on the other hand was the only female in my life. The constant. My teacher and advisor. Now they both have cancer and soon will be fighting for their lives while the "medicine" alone puts them on the brink of death.

There is nothing Tee-riffic about this. She won't be able to make saliva. Or taste. Fuck. I never even consider that being a possiblity. I am so grateful for my health right now but why does that gratitude seem so inappropriate?

I'd like to say my superwoman attitude kicked in and I dove right in offering to help as caregiver. I didn't. I need time, prayer, and the chance to do what I know I can for her right now. I'll be there, I'm just not sure how close I can get to all this. All I know is that life is precious, true love is forever, health is a gift, and everything can change in an instant.

If I could be so bold as to lean on you right now, I ask for prayers in their honor. To those who have done it, thank you so much.

Blessings and the greatest health to all of you. Always.

29 Gifts, Days 7-9

Here we are! Another 29 Gifts post. I can honestly say that this experience is amazing. I sincerely hope that you feel it too. If you would like to read the book that is responsible for starting this movement click here. To be a part of this wonderful FREE community, click here. If your new to this blog here are the introductory post and Days 1-3 and 4-6. Your readership means the world to me as do comments, subscriptions, and sharing. If you are not moved to do any of these things that's ok too. I appreciate you being here and wish you all the best life has to offer. Blessings!

29 Gifts, Day 7May 31, 2011 at 11:26pm

I am so filled with wonder I don't know where to begin. It's been another magical day, praise God! There is so much I suppose I'll just start at the beginning. Today the only intention I had was to give. I woke up early and full of energy. Ready to tackle my day and all my tasks. Perhaps due to the long holiday weekend or yesterday's slow day, I was fully ready to take on the world so I hit the ground running and managed to give the following.

*I gave hubby a surprise by getting ready in 5 minutes (literally) so we could go to breakfast together. 

*I gave a fellow driver the greatest surprise. While she was waiting to turn left out of my cross street, I was waiting for the light to turn so I could turn right. During this time she sneezed and so as the lights changed, and I was able to make my turn and pass her, I blessed her. It was so funny to see the surprise in her eyes. It was a sheer look of surprise & "How did she know I sneezed???" AWESOME. It was so great I couldn't help but chuckle out loud from sheer delight.

*I also gave 6 boxes of records to Goodwill. This was great because as I turned them in to the donation center attendant she expressed such joy just by seeing the first record in the box. She shared with me how happy record buyers would be at my donation. This felt so good to hear because I learned to DJ with these records and imaging them making someone else happy meant a lot.
*Lastly, I continued give to Carriage Hope which is the charity I had signed on to help with their website, etc. 

As for what I've received, the gifts have been tremendous! So far I have 3 auditions this week. In spite of my fantastic agent it had been slow for me so this is a true blessing and a chance to get a part and make some money. I also had the great fortune to have a really positive outcome on some items I put up on eBay. Not only does it make me happy that those items were wanted and will be enjoyed but the extra cash is a real bonus. To give you an idea, my husband listed one of the items for $1.00, it ended up selling for $90. Lastly and certainly the most profound is hearing from my brother whom I haven't spoken to via facebook. I had been thinking of writing him a letter this weekend and even spoke about it here with Angelique Hollingdrake then today I log into my facebook to find he has added me and in that moment I was reconnected with him. Blessed with his presence right in front of me and the knowledge that even though we had fallen out of touch he missed me too. I'm getting emotional just writing about it. 

This challenge to me is unquestionably a life changer. I have my own little blog and was going to wait until I completed this before posting about it there but after today's events and the great love I feel for all things 29 Gifts, I had to merge the worlds. So I've posted an introduction and will be getting my other blog up to speed on Friday thereby increasing the chances for this movement to be spread. Sending big hugs to all of you, thanks for reading. 

29 Gifts, Day 8June 1, 2011 at 7:55pm

Why lookie here, I've accomplished a first! I believe this is my earliest blog YET. :D Hello friends, how was your day? Things here have been moving. While I feel very accomplished, I am quite tired & looking forward to some reading or maybe a little getaway via Netflix. This morning's auditions & business caused me to find my intention a little later in the day, but I did! Here's what I came up with. "Today, I give with love."

This manifested in a number of ways:

I found myself on the Westside today and instead of rushing home to get to business from my office, I called a friend who lives near that area to see if we could have lunch together. While she wasn't able to get together today, it still enabled a great conversation and an opportunity to be a part of each other's "regular" days without needing a special occasion. 

I called another friend when I saw one of his company trucks on the freeway. This was cool because since he was my hubby's friend originally, we wouldn't normally just call each other up. 

I wrote my brother (who I reunited with via facebook yesterday) an email letting him know how much I love him and how sorry I am if he ever felt anything opposite of that due to my previous opinions and statements. 

I told a girl coming down the stairwell at my apartment complex to "break a leg" which is the actor's way to wish good luck. I noticed she had sides (a script) in her hand and like a young child I just blurted it out... Break a leg! That was magic for both of us, she smiled said thanks and then mumbled, "wow, how cool." :)

My last 2 gifts for the day are for my girlfriends. One of them, is the girl I called today for lunch. She is a wonderful person and really brightens up my life. I decided to send her a thank you card, she should be getting it in a couple of days...

                

The other is for a friend in trouble. She has been going through the ringer, everything in her life is struggle. She has a lot of baggage and is doing her best to make her way out but it's hard for her to see outside of her circumstances. She has been out of work for some time now and has recently resorted to doing something for money that concerns me.  I decided to write her a letter and then Mbali's challenge to Cami came to my mind. I went into my jewlery drawer and got a neckalce that is very signifigant to me, something I had not planned on parting with but seemed very poignant. You see, this necklace was given to me by someone I loved very much. Someone who saw a Goddess in me at a time when I was unable to see past my circumstances. I didn't even know the term "self esteem." When I saw the necklace I knew instantly to pass it on but not before wearing it one last time and praying over it. My hope is that she always feel loved and cherished. That she find her way to confidence strength, love, peace, and abundance. 

With that said, may we all find our way. Love to you. Until tomorrow...

29 Gifts, Day 9June 2, 2011 at 9:23pm

Hello, today will be short and sweet. Today's intention, "Today, I give my best." This came to me after trying to come up with an intention while staying focused on preparing for today's audition. Sure enough, as soon as the intention was set, that's exactly that came tumbling out... here's what that looked like:

I gave the room of Models a laugh as I struck up conversation while waiting to audition. 

I gave a particular Model a compliment on her awesome pair of pants. 

I shared a smile with a man who was waiting to cross the street.

While shopping for groceries I engaged in numerous conversations with people, praising and thanking them for the various tidbits we exchanged. Doing the same for the stocker and the cashier that rung me up. 

I took my cart back even though the employee charged with the task was out and I thanked him for his service. 

I called/texted numerous family members letting them know I love them and am grateful for them. 

I cleaned the house fully and paid all the bills. I also praised my husband for his accomplishments and contributions. 

What I got from all of this was a sense of love and connection to all of those around me. I felt happy and blessed all day. My actions were filled with purpose and I felt grateful at being able to get everything done. I have also been seeing some wonderful financial blessings as well as opportunities. I am happy to report I have another audition tomorrow, I hope to land something soon as my husband's birthday is coming up and I would like to surprise him with something great. 

Didn't I say short and sweet? Ah well, it's filled with love. :) Thanks for reading, blessings to you.